3rd: Not Circumcising

Disclaimer:  Sorry this post will be long. I do not know how to write short, LOL. You can tell I talk a lot in real life. Also, this post is about my life experiences, not a condemning post.  On that note, this is a personal experience, and I am happy to share a piece of myself with you.

I really wanted a girl my first pregnancy, could not imagine the baby being anything else and we got a girl. The second baby, I would have loved another girl, but with having Endometriosis and not knowing for sure how many children we would be blessed with if all we could have was two, I really would like a boy to have one of each. So I was kind of fine to go either way, but kind of leaned towards a boy a little more for that reason and we got a boy. I also suspected it maybe a boy, because with my girl I had to vomit until 15-16 weeks of pregnancy (I literally threw up salad leaves and water) and my boy pregnancies just nausea, but no vomiting.

Now, this third pregnancy was a little more complicated.  I was hoping for a girl and mentally preparing for a boy since I had so many boy guesses. Part of the reason having a boy was a big deal is because I had circumcision regret with my first son. Long story short, DH really pushed for it because it was important to him to have a son like him, circumcision is just what you do, and DH and I disagreed about it because I was on the fence the entire pregnancy and after DS 1 was born. I did not have a clear answer to what was the right decision to make. DHs parents paid for the procedure as a baby gift since insurance said it was cosmetic. It was $400, and I wish they had not gifted it to us. If they had not, the pediatrician office would have referred us to a specialist if we wanted it done because DS 1 was getting too big to have the procedure in office and would have been too big if we waited one or two more weeks. We probably would not have pursued it with a specialist since insurance would not cover it. After DS 1 had got the procedure, both DH and I agreed the benefits of the procedure did not seem to match the procedure we saw. We were horrified and very much unprepared for what we witnessed. We knew the reasons people get it, and a little of why people do not, but we did not know what the procedure itself looked like, the tools used and so forth. Needless to say, neither one of us were fans of the procedure and were worried for our son, so we already decided at that moment that we did not want to make the decision to circumcise if we could still have a healthy baby without it.

I was still very excited to have my third baby, once it sunk in I had a boy those first few hours I kept waiting for that soul-crushing circumcision regret for my first son to be triggered because we plan on not circumcising our second. The regret was never triggered, and to my surprise, the only thing I felt was love for my baby. And for the first time hearing the words that other mothers who have chosen not to circumcise, my body grew this perfect baby, there is no need to cut and alter him, I am keeping him the way God made him - did not hurt my heart. In the past those kinds of comments  cut deep, reopened wounds I have tried to close, made me doubt myself as a mother, made me feel like I should have fought harder to prevent it and I failed to protect my son, because I never made a decision for myself of whether I wanted it done or not. Even as it was happening, I was still in turmoil trying to figure out if this was for the best. I never got clear answers to my prayers, because I wanted a wrong or right, yes or no answer. I was feeling so confused, that I could not feel a certain answer and I know sometimes there cannot be an answer until a decision is made first. Being in a natural parenting group in real life, where there are high numbers of mamas who are not circumcising or often anti-circumcision posts in our Facebook group, my regret was constantly triggered, especially during the first year of DS 1s life - making me feel it would have been easier to have all girls and not have to make a decision, although I did not regret having a son, I wanted and prayed for one of each sex. 

My mom and I talked about at how at the beginning of the pregnancy, I was praying for a girl. I did not want to deal with these emotions that I had been carrying off and on since my first son was 2 weeks old to over two years old. Maybe if I had made a final decision, I would have been able to give myself some grace. My mom and I both agreed when DS 2 was born, God gave me what I needed, not what I wanted. We agreed that if I had been blessed with a daughter with this third if I had a fourth pregnancy, those feelings of please not a boy would probably just keep happening until I found a way to heal. He gave my second son to heal me. When I was asked if I was going to circumcise DS 2, it was a simple no. Not the big deal I felt it was going to be during pregnancy. I do not know if I will ever not have the regret for my first son, but I am okay now. I am finding peace, healing, giving myself grace that I am an imperfect mom doing the best she can and I will not always know the right / perfect things to do or say in every situation. This song He Let It Rain sums about my circumcision experience perfectly. "She sees the storm clouds gather, the sky is turning cold and gray. She knows that somethings coming when she starts to feel this way. She pleads for intervention, but heaven offers no relief. But she would understand if she could only see, sometimes He lets it rain. He lets the fierce winds blow. Sometimes it takes a storm to lead a heart where it can grow. He can move mountains of grief and oceans of pain, but sometimes He lets it rain." Now I am a mama of 2 boys, one circumcised and one not, and I can not imagine a second in my life without my beautiful sons that are teaching and humbling me and helping me grow as a mother.