The End

 Photo by Marianna Smiley on Unsplash 

   The decision to separate was not made lightly. I chose it because I feel it is the best decision for us as a couple. But it was not the decision I wanted. What I wanted for myself was to wake up and have someone tell me, "It was all a bad dream."

    Insert human weakness. I did not want to have to start my life over. I did not want my children to experience the pains of divorce, as I did when my parents divorced. I did not want to have to be a single mother of 3, including parenting an exceptional learner on my own. I did not want to be alone and without the help of a partner. But staying together would be for the wrong and most selfish reason, fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of doing hard things.

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There are a few things I did prior to getting married to prepare for marriage. I took a marriage course at Brigham Young University in Idaho, a Latter-Day Saint temple preparation class, and worked towards my goal of marrying a return missionary in a Latter-Day Saint Temple.

 

There were a couple of books I read on marriage:

The Principles of Marriage by John Gottman

& The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

 

During the marriage itself, I prayed, attended church, and started paying my tithing. I continued going to church with my children, even when my spouse became inactive. I relied heavily on marital counseling to work out the big issues and differences my spouse and I could not overcome by ourselves.

              I spoke with my church leaders, such as my bishop and stake president. I sought advice from other couples who I felt had successful marriages. I did research on how to date your spouse and spice up intimacy. I even began working on myself in individual counseling.

But nothing ever got to the heart of the matter. Our success as a couple remained slow with little to no progress. I know all marriages have their own unique struggles and challenges. And comparing would rob me of seeing the things that were right in my own marriage. However, I couldn’t help but wonder if marriage was supposed to be this hard? Over time, that question became can my marriage be saved? Eventually, should my marriage be saved?

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Some of the challenges in my marriage were poor communication and unrealistic expectations. Poor communication in my marriage looked like frequent disagreements that left one or both partners emotionally scarred. Rounds and rounds of verbal bullets. I had high self-esteem when I got married. I wanted a spouse worthy of me, and I wanted to be worthy of him.

But over time, as we struggled and the unkind words were exchanged, I left with no self-esteem. No matter how I tried to improve the checklist of his ideal mate, I would continually fall short. From his perspective, I was frigid. I didn’t want sex enough. Maybe I was gay? I didn’t dress sexy enough. My clothes didn’t match. I didn’t cook enough. I didn’t clean well. I’m lazy. I wasn’t someone he could trust.

And from my perspective, I would never be enough no matter how much I tried. My efforts didn’t make him happy. Could I spend the rest of my life with someone who didn’t understand, see, or want all the beautiful parts of me? Could I be okay with the lack of date nights, seldom romantic gestures, and feeling lonely in a marriage? I got to the point where I said, “Tai, you’re not happy. And this is not the way love is supposed to be.”

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To listen to this episode, click the link below:

The End by New Beginnings with Tai Podcast 

Last Edited: August 28, 2021