In the article, Rekindling Intimacy by Juli Slattery, she says, "When I meet with couples preparing for marriage, they can't believe someday sex may become an issue between them...These same couples soon learn that sexual intimacy can be complicated...Some assign themselves to disillusionment: I guess sex isn't all that is cracked up to be." This sounds a little like what I said in my intro, where I said, "Before marriage, I just assumed when were married, it would be something that would come naturally and would get better over time on its own because we loved and desired each other."
The author continues on to say, "Sexual issues are a primary cause of broken marriages...Granted there are seasons in every marriage in which sexual intimacy can not be a priority. Who would tell a couple with three children under 3 to make time for more sex? Or a woman going through cancer, she is neglecting her marriage? Many couples who avoid sexual intimacy do so, because of normal busyness; they simply do not make it a priority." I mentioned some of this usual busyness at the beginning of my post, Getting in the Mood (When You Don't Feel Like It), "As wives and mothers, we have a lot going on in a day. It can be easy to say by the end of the day, or when we wake up the next morning, that we are tired and because we are tired, we’re not in the mood or feeling up to intimacy."
While reading this article, I felt compelled to share many points that stood out to me with my spouse. Probably more than I can fit in this blog post. One part of her article that I thought was interesting, "I once heard a pastor say Satan doesn't create anything, so he distorts everything. I challenge you to think of an area of life that is more twisted in our world than sexuality. Your own sexual experiences may be so warped that you can not think of sex as a good thing. Most couples bring some kind of baggage into a marriage - baggage like pornography, abuse, body image issues, and even negative messages from the church. In my experience as a clinical psychologist, I rarely meet a couple that doesn't have some difficulty in the bedroom to work through." Okay, before you freak out and wonder what is wrong with you, realize that you are normal. Juli says, "When it comes to sex, struggling is normal."
One tool mentioned is prayer. Juli says, "The most effective thing you can do for your sex life is to pray about it together - regularly. Another tool mentioned is counseling, although Juli encourages us not to forget about God in the equation. I personally feel that counseling is a great tool for a marriage that is in trouble, a marriage that is not in trouble but needs some work, or even just for regular maintenance to continually strengthen marriage so it can be ready for those trials when they come. Juli describes a couple whose marriage is in trouble, "It was clear that the battle lines had been drawn. Both had compelling arguments, as to why the other was insensitive and unloving. They assumed that marriage counseling was a contest to see who was right and who was responsible for their current troubles. In fact, one purpose of marriage counseling is to help you see that you and your spouse are on the same team...No matter how much he or she has contributed to the problem, your spouse is not the real enemy."
One tool mentioned is prayer. Juli says, "The most effective thing you can do for your sex life is to pray about it together - regularly. Another tool mentioned is counseling, although Juli encourages us not to forget about God in the equation. I personally feel that counseling is a great tool for a marriage that is in trouble, a marriage that is not in trouble but needs some work, or even just for regular maintenance to continually strengthen marriage so it can be ready for those trials when they come. Juli describes a couple whose marriage is in trouble, "It was clear that the battle lines had been drawn. Both had compelling arguments, as to why the other was insensitive and unloving. They assumed that marriage counseling was a contest to see who was right and who was responsible for their current troubles. In fact, one purpose of marriage counseling is to help you see that you and your spouse are on the same team...No matter how much he or she has contributed to the problem, your spouse is not the real enemy."
Juli says, "Counseling is also very helpful in facilitating difficult conversations with your spouse. The sensitive nature of sexual baggage often keeps married couples from ever talking through. They don't know where to begin or how to keep the conversation from drifting into the danger zone." Remember how I said one of my baggage is talking about sex in Get Rid of Any Baggage? "An example of baggage I came with that is common, are my parents and I did not really have open conversations about sex...How that affects me is talking about intimacy with my spouse can make me feel awkward and self-conscious. I know this can be a frustrating experience for him because he may want to connect by discussing intimacy and for me, it's not an easy conversation to have."
In her article say says, "Counseling can help you make sense of your baggage and how it impacts your marriage." Some of you might be saying I don't need counseling to know I have issues or what those issues are. I feel for myself I am very aware of what issues I may have. I have parents who divorced when I was young, so I missed from my parents the example of a healthy marital relationship. In addition to the lack of openness about intimacy - something that felt forbidden and a little like a secret. I've had to stumble on my own to learn these things in the right kind of way as an adult and in my marriage. I can even go so far to say, how did my parents' divorce impact me, I feel strongly that I don't believe in divorce as a solution for marital problems (except in certain circumstances, such as abusive and violent situations) because I want my children to have an example of a healthy marital relationship, I want to decrease the chance that my children end up divorced, and I don't want to make my parent's mistakes in my own life and have a fear of ending up divorced like them. Here is something interesting Juli points out, "As intuitive and logical as you maybe in other situations, you can't always see your baggage of objectively. You may still be that little girl afraid of her grandfather, or that rebellious teenager shamed by her choices. You can't seem to get past the barriers of anger, guilt or fear that haunt your bedroom." This speaks to me in a way that says, You're still that little girl afraid of making your parents' mistakes. Logically, I do know that I am not my parents and the mistakes I will make will be my own.
What I love so much about this particular article is the sense of hope and understanding she gives. It's hard not to quote so much of what she has written in her article because I find the whole thing so profound and helpful. If you have the time, I really encourage you to sit down and read it yourself versus just the little clips I have given you. This is another great example of where her words touched me. "As human beings, you are hardwired to understand and integrate the events in your life into a meaningful whole. The most painful events to deal with are those that fail to make sense...Like a puzzle missing a couple of pieces, compartmentalized baggage will leave you feeling a lack of peace." And we're all working for the final piece of that paragraph she says, "Although the experience has impacted your life, it no longer defines you." To read her article, click here.
In her article say says, "Counseling can help you make sense of your baggage and how it impacts your marriage." Some of you might be saying I don't need counseling to know I have issues or what those issues are. I feel for myself I am very aware of what issues I may have. I have parents who divorced when I was young, so I missed from my parents the example of a healthy marital relationship. In addition to the lack of openness about intimacy - something that felt forbidden and a little like a secret. I've had to stumble on my own to learn these things in the right kind of way as an adult and in my marriage. I can even go so far to say, how did my parents' divorce impact me, I feel strongly that I don't believe in divorce as a solution for marital problems (except in certain circumstances, such as abusive and violent situations) because I want my children to have an example of a healthy marital relationship, I want to decrease the chance that my children end up divorced, and I don't want to make my parent's mistakes in my own life and have a fear of ending up divorced like them. Here is something interesting Juli points out, "As intuitive and logical as you maybe in other situations, you can't always see your baggage of objectively. You may still be that little girl afraid of her grandfather, or that rebellious teenager shamed by her choices. You can't seem to get past the barriers of anger, guilt or fear that haunt your bedroom." This speaks to me in a way that says, You're still that little girl afraid of making your parents' mistakes. Logically, I do know that I am not my parents and the mistakes I will make will be my own.
What I love so much about this particular article is the sense of hope and understanding she gives. It's hard not to quote so much of what she has written in her article because I find the whole thing so profound and helpful. If you have the time, I really encourage you to sit down and read it yourself versus just the little clips I have given you. This is another great example of where her words touched me. "As human beings, you are hardwired to understand and integrate the events in your life into a meaningful whole. The most painful events to deal with are those that fail to make sense...Like a puzzle missing a couple of pieces, compartmentalized baggage will leave you feeling a lack of peace." And we're all working for the final piece of that paragraph she says, "Although the experience has impacted your life, it no longer defines you." To read her article, click here.
Sources
1. Slattery, Juli. "Rekindling Intimacy." Focus on the Family. Focus on The Family, 10 Nov. 2015. Web. 07 Dec. 2015.< http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/sex-and-intimacy/sexual-baggage-in-marriage/rekindling-intimacy>
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