Identify The Problems With Your In Laws

Do Something Productive

"Equip yourself to deal with in-law problems by reading books, seeing a counselor, and / or joining a support group" (Barry).

5 Common Problem Areas With In-Laws

In the article, Boundaries for the In-Laws, Establishing Rules To Protect Your Marriage, the author says the couple needs to identify the problems with the in-laws and lists 5 different possible problem areas: (1) Favoritism, (2) Intrusiveness, (3) Parenting, (4) Emotional Distance, and (5) Dependency.

He also brings up some things that couples may try or have tried to do to deal with the situation: (A) love them (the in-laws) through it or (B) ignore them completely. He says, "If you want to see improvement, you need to take some initiative."

Luckily he does provide some steps to follow:

1. Identify if there is a problem or if it is your perception
2. Find out how you may contribute to the problem
3. Confront your in-laws, gently but directly
4. Pick and choose important battles, rather than pursuing all
5. Strengthen your relationship as a couple

I have added two quotes from his article that I found helpful. His advice for confronting your in-laws, "Confront your in-laws gently, but directly. Though you may need to involve your spouse, don't avoid dealing with the problem personally. Let them know how you feel and that it gets in the way of being close to them. They may react with hurt, withdrawal, or anger. Or they may be surprised at what they learn, and thank you for letting them know."

His closing remarks are about strengthening the relationship, "Though you and your spouse love your parents, you should be more aligned with each other than with them. When a spouse isn't loyal to their mate, there may be a "leaving and cleaving" problem. This problem is exhibited in behaviors such as needing parental approval or respect, being afraid to confront parents, going to parents for self-image support, being emotionally or financially dependent on parents, or feeling responsible for parents' emotions" (Townshed).

"Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shall cleave unto her and none else" (Doctrine and Covenants 42:22).

In-laws & Manipulation

Author, Jenna D. Barry writes, in her article, 5 Ways To Protect Your Marriage from Toxic Inlaws, "If you are being manipulated by your in-laws, then you must stop letting them manipulate you. Toxic in-laws will have a negative reaction when you draw healthy boundaries with them. They may attempt to manipulate you with guilt until you sacrifice your own needs in order to please them... Your father-in-law may accuse you of being disrespectful to your mother-in-law. Your mother-in-law may start crying. They may test you to see if you‘ll back down... It’s extremely important to stand your ground even if they choose to be offended by your healthy behavior. Learn to use effective phrases such as, "I’m sorry you’re upset, but this isn’t up for negotiation" or, "I’m not willing to discuss this with you anymore. Is there something else you’d like to talk about instead" (Barry).

- Bibliography -

Barry, Jenna D. "5 Ways To Protect Your Marriage From Toxic In-Laws." Hitched. Hitched Media Inc, 2016. Web. 16 Jan. 2016. <http://www.hitchedmag.com/article.php?id=799>.

Townshed, John. "Boundaries for In-laws, Establishing Rules to Protect Your Marriage." Today's Christian Woman. Christianity Today, Sept. 2008. Web. 16 Jan. 2016. <http://www.todayschristianwoman.com/articles/2008/september/boundaries-for-in-laws.html?start=3>.

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