Feelings Post Birth
Home Birth Turned Hospital Transfer
I really appreciated everyone who was sorry I didn't get the birth I planned. It validates the disappointment of not having the birth I wanted. It’s been a learning experience. So you know that saying, home is where the heart is? Well, it sounds kind of cheesy, but it applies to birth too, birth is where your home birth team is. It is not the location that makes the birth, it is the supportive birth team. I got the birth I needed in the end, and it was possible, because of my home birth team.
The Care I Received
It was a beautiful example of the continuity of care, from the co-care between my obstetrician and midwives to the labor and delivery nurse and midwives working together as I labored balancing the monitoring while allowing me to walk, shower, labor in a tub. My midwives and their apprentices were great advocates, the only intervention for starting labor was my water being broken, and I went from a regular hospital room to low intervention room with a labor tub. When the nurses asked me questions about pain, and medical history, my midwives answered their questions for me. They took care of my husband and me so I all I had to focus on was labor and giving birth to my baby.
Positive Outlook, Despite A Loss?
Overall, even though it was not the birth I wanted, it was what I needed and what I got was a very beautiful birth. The overwhelming support of my midwives and their apprentices made it where the only loss I experienced was I did not have the birth in the location I had planned, which was at home. Although my midwives didn't deliver my baby, the midwives and apprentices were there from start to finish. They did a remarkable work laboring with me, walking with me, holding me, wiping my tears, encouraging me when I got to the end, and I was exhausted. I also think one reason I am able to not focus so much on what I loss (the birth being at home) is because the midwives and I talked about my feelings and any concerns and fears throughout the pregnancy, every appointment. Also, I've already had a few postpartum visits with my midwives where they also took the time to talk to me about the birth and my feelings post birth. I also have talked about it with my husband and my mom who were both presents at the birth. So all the talking and writing about it has really helped me take the time to reflect on it. Another reason I am okay with my hospital transfer is that they never found anything wrong. On the one hand, it cost me from being able to birth at home but did not lead to further inductions/interventions or emergency C-section. I only had my water broken to start labor when I was 5 cm dilated. So it was a loss, but not as big of a loss as it could have been. If I am focusing on it in that way, then I have gained far more than I have lost.
The Care I Received
It was a beautiful example of the continuity of care, from the co-care between my obstetrician and midwives to the labor and delivery nurse and midwives working together as I labored balancing the monitoring while allowing me to walk, shower, labor in a tub. My midwives and their apprentices were great advocates, the only intervention for starting labor was my water being broken, and I went from a regular hospital room to low intervention room with a labor tub. When the nurses asked me questions about pain, and medical history, my midwives answered their questions for me. They took care of my husband and me so I all I had to focus on was labor and giving birth to my baby.
Accepting & Letting Go
Packing what's left over from the home birth I lost is a little bittersweet. The bittersweet feeling is a sign I am not ready to be done with being blessed with children. My husband asked me recently after the birth if we tried for another baby, would I feel complete at four children depending on the baby's sex? He asked because we only have one daughter and I am hoping someday we may be blessed with another, even though I absolutely love being a mama to boys and 1 little princess. I honestly hope we aren't done being blessed because then there would be a permanent sadness of never experiencing a home birth, which I have wanted since I was expecting/had my second child. And who knows, maybe having it not work out, this time, will make it even more special next time. We'll just have to see what the future holds. People who know me know I am a natural / gentle-attached parenting mama. They've seen my Facebook posts and pictures, or we've had conversations about extended / full breastfeeding, cloth diapers, co-sleeping and unmedicated/natural births. I once had someone say to me I am surprised you haven't had a home birth, after my second hospital birth. It's easy to internalize this comment, and a homebirth becoming a hospital transfer as I failed at having a home birth or I don't look as natural as some of these other moms because I've had three hospital births. Or worst, if I feel disappointment or voice it, then I'm ungrateful for my blessings, and it's an insult to women who are still trying to become mothers who would gladly trade places. One thing I had to do was check my disappointment. Acknowledge it, feel it, but not let it become my entire experience. When the midwives told me I was 4 cm dilated and 50% effaced, but not in active labor and that they could say I was in a lot of pain and needed to go to the hospital, I cried because I was in pain, but also because I knew my dream of a home birth was over. When I arrived at the hospital, I barely said a word. I hardly spoke to the nurses. Every second I spent there being assessed, I felt my home birth slipping away and was grieving. At one point, I had even said if they found nothing wrong. Ideally, I would like to be released to continue the process at home. My midwives did not feel this would be a safe idea and when it came time to being officially admitted, my home birth team asked to speak to me in private and explained why we needed to stay in the hospital, even though they had found nothing wrong. It didn't mean there couldn't still be an issue. And at that point, I had to make a choice to accept what was happening or stay within my grief. Once I decided to accept that my home birth was lost and focus on that I would be meeting my baby sometime soon after they broke my water, I was able to feel the love and support of my midwives/home birth team and my labor and delivery nurse.
Positive Outlook, Despite A Loss?
Overall, even though it was not the birth I wanted, it was what I needed and what I got was a very beautiful birth. The overwhelming support of my midwives and their apprentices made it where the only loss I experienced was I did not have the birth in the location I had planned, which was at home. Although my midwives didn't deliver my baby, the midwives and apprentices were there from start to finish. They did a remarkable work laboring with me, walking with me, holding me, wiping my tears, encouraging me when I got to the end, and I was exhausted. I also think one reason I am able to not focus so much on what I loss (the birth being at home) is because the midwives and I talked about my feelings and any concerns and fears throughout the pregnancy, every appointment. Also, I've already had a few postpartum visits with my midwives where they also took the time to talk to me about the birth and my feelings post birth. I also have talked about it with my husband and my mom who were both presents at the birth. So all the talking and writing about it has really helped me take the time to reflect on it. Another reason I am okay with my hospital transfer is that they never found anything wrong. On the one hand, it cost me from being able to birth at home but did not lead to further inductions/interventions or emergency C-section. I only had my water broken to start labor when I was 5 cm dilated. So it was a loss, but not as big of a loss as it could have been. If I am focusing on it in that way, then I have gained far more than I have lost.
Postpartum Products I Loved
Depends Disposable Underwear
So we know, I had tons of postpartum products I purchased in preparation for my home birth, that later turned into a hospital transfer. I was grateful once I left the hospital 26 hours later to have all my postpartum products waiting for me since I really didn't care for the pads without wings the hospital provided and the pads with wings didn't work well for me with the mesh panties. I don't mind the mesh panties, but when I got home, I started using panties and regular pads. (TMI Alert!) I had an incident where blood gushed and leaked through my clothes. That reminded me I had the package of Depends to try and to my surprise, I loved the Depends Active Wear disposable panties. Every few to several hours, I switched to a new one, similar to a pad depending on how much bleeding. This is a staple in my postpartum box from now on. I may even go so far to say I prefer the Depends over using regular pads for postpartum bleeding.
Dermaplast Pain Relieving Spray
This is my third delivery and third time tearing. My first tear was by far the worst. This one did not really hurt, felt sorer. So I liked using the spray kind of like pain prevention.
Disposable Plates, Cups & Utensils
I did not have to do dishes during the first week, and that was so nice to not worry about dishes. This helped too as I was trying to keep the house tidy to just put everything straight into the trash and have little to no messes in my kitchen.
Other posts you might be interested in reading:
Dermaplast Pain Relieving Spray
This is my third delivery and third time tearing. My first tear was by far the worst. This one did not really hurt, felt sorer. So I liked using the spray kind of like pain prevention.
Disposable Plates, Cups & Utensils
I did not have to do dishes during the first week, and that was so nice to not worry about dishes. This helped too as I was trying to keep the house tidy to just put everything straight into the trash and have little to no messes in my kitchen.
Other posts you might be interested in reading:
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