Healing Wounds In Marriage (Victor B Cline)

Healing Wounds In Marriages by Victor B Cline  is a Latter Day Saint article published in the July 1993 Ensign. This is more or less a summary of the article based on points I felt were important. I have quoted much of the original and cited my source.

We're Human

Mr. Cline begins with "Marriage is designed to bring us happiness and joy", followed by the question, "But why do we sometimes find bitterness, anger, and disappointment in it?" His answer is because we are imperfect human beings. "As mortals, all of us are flawed, all have blind spots, all make mistakes in judgment at times. These deficiencies take their toll in our intimate relationships; the higher the level of stress, the greater the toll. The way we choose to react to this stress can determine the outcome of our lives."

It's Not Easy

Probably to the relief of many he also says, "Creating a great marriage and family is not easy". The fact that you may struggle does not make you a failure, it makes you normal and human. Mr. Cline explains, "Achieving marital unity takes tremendous patience and persistence and a clear vision of what our priorities are in this life. Spousal love is a wonderful gift, but we have to learn to give it fully in order to receive it in full measure". 

Abuse

He does cover abuse, "I don’t believe, however, that God expects us to stay in perpetually abusive relationships—situations in which we or our children are repeatedly traumatized...We are not required to endlessly endure abusive relationships. But spouses can change—if they wish to".

Divorce

And he addresses the dreaded D word - divorce, "Frequently, couples who choose to divorce have solvable problems...Pride and unwillingness to change are at the root of many marital problems. Overcoming these weaknesses may be difficult, but it can be done... Furthermore, individual weaknesses or bad habits do not automatically disappear when two people get a divorce, and these problems, if uncorrected, will show up to plague future relationships when the people remarry". He reminds struggling couples that divorce is not always the answer couples may think it is, "Rather than being an escape, divorce often means moving from a bad situation to a worse one". 

Soften Hearts

He gives the recipe for change. "I have found in thirty years of marriage counseling that learning new communication techniques, going to seminars on relationship skills, or reading all of the best books on the subject really won’t help heal marital wounds unless the individuals involved develop a contrite spirit or feel a softening of the heart. This softening of the heart usually needs to take place in both spouses, even though one may be principally at fault for the problems. While you can never force your spouse to change, you can change. You can choose to love and forgive no matter what else happens. The result will usually be a change in your spouse’s attitude and behavior as well."

Example of Hope

He shares a few stories of hope. This is just one, "For example, Maureen * and her husband loved each other, but somehow they kept provoking and exasperating one another. They each had to be right; it was extremely difficult for either to compromise on anything. Even counseling didn’t seem to help. Finally, Maureen was willing to surrender her own will to her Heavenly Father’s in asking for help with this problem. In her prayers day after day, she promised to do anything her Father required. In a multitude of little ways, she was given direction and inspiration that changed her heart and led to a softening of her husband’s heart as well. It was a slow process, but a remarkable healing took place in their relationship".

Tips For A Better Marriage

Mr. Cline offers some tips to help transform marriages:

1. Positive Affirmations
2. Use I rather than you messages with partner
3. Use time outs when upset
4. Try scoring your wants with difficult situations
5. Make time for fun
6. Eliminate the negatives
7. Be open to change
8. Focus on friendship
9. Focus on physical appearance
10.  Get a marital counselor

He finishes with "Love is a decision, a commitment to action".

Bibliography

Cline, Victor B. "Healing Wounds in Marriage - Ensign July 1993 - Ensign." Healing Wounds in Marriage. Ensign, July 1993. Web. 19 Mar. 2016. <https://www.lds.org/ensign/1993/07/healing-wounds-in-marriage?lang=eng>.