The Beginning of the End (2)

 Hi, I am Tai, a separated mom of 3. For those of you who are new to my journey, I have been separated for 14 months from my spouse. There are 2 ways to follow my journey, either by reading my blog, Unfolding Dreams at Endometriosismom.blogspot.com , or tuning in on my podcast,  New Beginnings.

Just a disclaimer. What I discuss here is not intended to act in the place of professional advice. Also, my podcasts are recorded in my home.  A real home that consists of children. It is likely that you will hear things in the background. Today I am going to talk about the image I am giving off. And how some of my past traumas have played a part in this.

My kids, my mom, and I recently moved into a new rental space. We have been living in that property for a full month and it is slowly coming together. I have been so excited because this is the first detached family home my kids have lived in. It has a backyard. My kids have never lived in a house with a yard.

 A yard is such a big deal to me and my kids. Going out to play, like a park with my youngest can be challenging. Sometimes, how he is feeling dictates how long we can stay as a family. We may have to leave if he is fussy and ready for a nap. Or gets hungry and is crying. He has also outgrown my Ergo baby carrier and has almost completely outgrown the Contours Bliss 4 in 1 Stroller with teal canopy.

While it might sound like I am describing a baby or a toddler, I am describing my five-year-old with Autism. Having a safe space for my children to play is a dream come true. Now, my big kids can play while my youngest goes down for a nap. And my youngest who is often sensory seeking has a safe space to explore. But that is not the only thing I am excited about. I am also excited about my new bedroom!

My group of closest friends joke that my bedroom as a separated woman is a tad “bougie”. I cannot help but laugh because the goal for my new bedroom is to be an adult oasis. I wanted at minimum a large enough space to fit a TV and a decent size bed.

Is my must have of a queen size bed over the top? I traded my marriage bed, a California king for squeezing next to my youngest in a full-size bed for 4 months in our first rental. And then further downsizing for 8 months where I again squeezed with my youngest in a twin bunk under my older two children. I did this to give my mom with MS the full-size bed.

The first rental had 2 bedrooms. You could say space was a bit tight when it was not the older 2 in one room and my youngest and I in the other. For a time, I shared the master bedroom with my mom and my youngest. But eventually gave up the master bedroom to my mom who needed the bed and a quiet space to rest. My youngest and I relocated into the same room as my older two children.

Am I really asking for too much to have an accent chair and soft throw to curl into while reading my kindle? That is my downtime as a separated mom of 3. And you just heard that I was basically sharing a room with all my kids, with no downtime or privacy.

The “bougie” comment is more about the cost and look of the furniture and décor rather than the items I chose. I admit, this is the most money I have ever put into a bedroom for myself. When I was exclusively a stay-at-home mom from 2010-2017, my focus was primarily designing comfortable and fun nurseries and kid bedrooms for my children. Unfortunately, as the mom, I was usually the last on my list after giving to everyone else.

But this time around, I am learning you must take care of yourself first to be able to give to others. And I am going for the pampered feeling when I enter my bedroom. I want it to be a haven after long days at work and emotional boxing with my psyche through this marital separation.  I must be strong for my kids. But in these four walls, I can let my guard down. And let the tears flow. Or loose myself in distractions, while I escape my reality for a couple of hours. But I think it runs deeper than meeting my hierarchy of needs.

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To give a little background, my spouse and I rented for 5 years. It was a 2 bed, 2 bath condo. I remember it had a small balcony. I could fit a water table and a sandbox for the 2 kids I had at the time. And that was it. When we lived in the condo, I was frequently accused of having a cluttered home. As renters, we were limited to the projects we could do. One of the worst backhanded compliments I received was being told I was a good mother, and it showed my priorities were my kids. But not my home.

The “feedback” I recieved was unsolicited advice and hurtful comments from family members. But the constant criticism left emotional scars for years. As a result, I did “stress” cleaning before guests or family came over. I became grouchier with my children about the messes they made. I stopped entertaining. I did not enjoy having people come into my home. I was on the defensive and ready to fight the next person who dared suggest I was just - a lazy stay at home mom not doing enough.

 I think what hurt the most was hearing my own spouse say, “All of your ideas fail. You just like to spend and waste money on things we do not need.” We disagreed from what to buy to how to spend money to decorate our home. To respect our budget, I often bought things second hand, from thrift and consignment stores. Or Craig’s List and Facebook Market Place. But voiced that some newer furniture and more organization would drastically improve the look of our home.

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When I separated from my spouse, I sold our home (with his agreement).  We lived there for 6 years after the rental. It was a 3 bed, 2 bath townhome and the first home either of us had ever owned. Perfect for a growing family of four. We turned into a family of five in that home.

Right away, I set out to make my mark on the property. We switched out the 80 percent carpet home to laminate flooring. We painted the living room walls a grayish white called Angel Touch from Valspar. The bathrooms were a darker gray called Granite Dust. And the baseboards and casings were all white. I think it was like an Ultra White. The boys’ room had beautiful light blue walls, and the girl room had pink walls mixed with specks of actual glitter.

Eventually our beat-up living room furniture turned into a large gray sectional. We had our first flatscreen mounted to the wall. The master bath was retiled with Calcutta White. We bought a new dishwasher with three racks, and a touch faucet for the kitchen. But the feedback on my home were mixed reviews from my family members. A compliment or two tossed with some remarks about how I could clean more. But mostly, chastisements of me wanting and spending too much. Or not being satisfied with what I have, every time the home started to look good.

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Unfortunately, when I made the decision to separate from my spouse the second time, I knew from my first separation that I could not maintain a mortgage payment as a single mother.  I was going to have to go back to renting.

And as I told you that first rental as a single mom was a 2 bed, 2.5 bath townhome that was tight, but manageable. But as I said it quickly became crowded when my mom moved in to help. Now that we have moved into a home big enough for all of us, I think the additional motivation behind the self-care that I am trying to do, is my “bougie” design selections sends the message, “I am doing well.” And I must acknowledge where that frequent, almost anxiousness to impress comes from.

But comparing my past and present, money is the biggest difference. When I relocated as a single mom, I moved where I had an opportunity to start a career as a teacher. Prior to that, I did not have a career, or a high-paying job working part-time. I was a stay-at-home mom for several years and we lived on one income. Then I worked from home running a daycare for a couple of years. He had a full-time job most of our marriage, but not a career. We went through the constant cycle of feast (financially okay or well) and famine (struggling, little to no money). So, that significantly limited our options when we bought our first home and minivan. We often had to use our tax return to help pay off major bills and to buy expensive items, like our first nice sofa.

At the end of the day,  what was missing for me, was not the opportunity to live in a bigger home and have nicer furniture. It was being recognized as a wife and mother for doing the best that I could to make a home that was warm, inviting, and filled with love, laughter, and memories within those tough circumstances. But as you know, this is not a love story. Or a happily ever after. This is a story of how it all ended.

To listen to this podcast, go to this link: The Beginning of the End by New Beginnings with Tai • A podcast on Anchor