“Do you worry about
dating a divorced man?”
The Concerns
I understand the concern some may have
with dating someone who has previously been married and is now divorced. There is
a question of why a previous relationship or marriage did not work out for the
other person. This essential question may help determine if there is something
wrong with the potential match that is being considered.
Not Again!
The thought of marrying a “divorced”
man that may have been abusive, unfaithful, and so forth in a previous
relationship or marriage is quite scary. Especially for women that are leaving toxic
and/or dangerous situations, who have no desire to be in that kind of
relationship or marriage again.
Food for Thought
There are 2
Sides to Every Story
But
there are things to consider if a woman is wary of dating a divorced man, such as
it’s not always the man that is at fault. If a woman has been hurt before by
other men, it can be easy for her to assume that there is something wrong with
any future matches. To be clear, I’m not suggesting taking the approach of blaming
everything on the ex-wife of the divorced man either. As a soon-to-be ex-wife myself
and hearing the stories of other women in the support groups I’ve been in, I cannot
easily dismiss someone’s ex-girlfriend or ex-wife as “just” bitter and cynical.
Not after reading many discussions on the abuse, betrayal, and vindictive behaviors
those women endured.
Give
the Benefit of the Doubt
One of the most hurtful encounters is someone downplaying
the experiences I have lived through. It hurts not to be believed. Rather than
it being another woman, it came from a single father who expressed an interest
in me after he learned I was separated. However, his niceness
wore off quickly when he began to question me. He said doubtfully, “If your marriage
was so bad, why on earth did you stay so long? If you stayed, it
must not have been that bad.” I do not want a potential partner to judge the
reasons and circumstances for my divorce harshly. Treat others the way you want to be treated. I would prefer
to give any potential partner the benefit of the doubt. To believe that they
are a good person who has gone through some hard things, and they are becoming
a better person. Until they show me otherwise.
The Neutral
Approach
Don’t Put Your
Self in the Middle
Now
there might be some who say, how can you be neutral about the past? You must take
his side if you’re going to be with him! The way I look at it is, I will be a supporter
of my partner’s present and future within the laws that govern
my country and the religious beliefs I hold. But it is not necessary for me to “choose”
a side on his past relationships that came before me. For
one, it will not change the things that occurred. Or how they happened. And who
they happened with. And if there are children involved, it is certainly not my
place to put myself in the middle. Being in the middle as the referee. Or acting
on feelings to protect or defend a partner from his ex is not likely going to
strengthen the relationship I have with him. Or the relationship with the mother
of his children in a co-parenting situation. They don’t need me to get involved
in their past, especially since I wasn’t a part of it. In my opinion, picking a "side" and being in the middle will lead to unnecessary drama and relationship
issues in the long run. But empathy and compassion for both sides will probably go
further.
Start with a Clean Slate
I can be neutral about my
partner’s past and still give him a clean slate for the present. My potential partner may be a different person
in his present than he was in his past. He may have already owned up to his
mistakes and righted his wrongs. Or tried to seek forgiveness from those he
hurt and disappointed. Most importantly, he may be in a place where he is ready
to stop looking back at the past. He may be focused on the present. He may have
learned from his past and is taking what he needs from it to progress in his
present and future, rather than carrying the past as an uncomfortable weight.
And I would hope that my potential partner would do the same for me because
the past doesn’t matter anymore in certain things if real change has occurred. Think
of the chorus from that well-known Back Street Boys song, “I don’t care who you
are. Where you’re from. What you did. As long as you love me.”
Comments
Post a Comment