Valentine’s Day is just another day, right? Well, until it isn’t. Let me explain. As a separated mama, I can, unfortunately, remember my last three Valentine’s Days as I began my journey to single motherhood. They were emotionally rough. Valentine’s Day among many things served as a painful reminder of all I was losing.
THE BEGINNING OF THE END
On the first Valentine’s Day (2020), I was
already making painful decisions to separate from my children’s father. It
should have been a happy time given that we had reached a milestone of 11 years
of marriage. Sadly, our relationship continued to struggle, and we became roommates
for 4 months and 10 days before our second and final separation began. It hurt
to see all the romantic social media posts of carefully scripted messages to significant
others and photoshopped collages of smiling faces. I cried at the unfairness.
9 MONTHS SEPARATED…
On the second Valentine’s Day (2021), I found
myself a separated mama of three children. I couldn’t have fathomed that I would
still be separated. Worst than that, alone! I realized I wholeheartedly missed
the benefits of marriage and having a partner to share the moments and day to
day with. I wanted nothing more than to find that again with a new partner.
20
MONTHS SEPARATED…
My third Valentine’s Day (2022) is rolling in.
I’ve been a separated mama for almost two years. I’m still trying to scrape
enough money to finish paying for the divorce while financially taking care of
my children full time. I can’t help but wonder if there is something about this
time of year that my body recognizes. A sort of muscle memory that is triggered.
My shoulders seem to droop a little bit more, my steps slower, and my smile less
frequent. A familiar dull ache creeps into my chest, squeezing my fragile
organ.
Despite my best efforts to focus on gratitude, attend church, pray, do something nice for others, and partake in counseling my heart feels heavy. I feel disconnected from everything - my religion, my faith, and God. As if I am losing myself to all the sad and uncertainness my new life has become.
I know I am strong enough for the separation and divorce. I know I have been doing hard things since this journey began as a single mother. But somedays, I don’t want to have to be that strong. I want a partner to hold me, to talk to after a long day, to look forward to seeing after work, and to share my dreams with. I'd rather have someone to help with making difficult decisions and dealing with stressful situations, and a hand in raising my children. I hope my next Valentine's day (2023) will be different.
MORE THAN A DAY...
In truth, it may just be a day, one out of many days, and isn't even worth the over-the-top expectation society and social media have turned it into. But for women who have been married and embarking on the journey of separation and divorce, these trivial celebrations have the ability to sting. In fairness, so do other things. Anything can be triggering. Something like a picture of someone's wedding. Or a pregnancy announcement. Even a lovely family photo for the holidays.
But please remember, to the single, separated, divorced. Even widowed or newly heartbroken woman, don't tell her it's just another day. To her, it may be more than a day. A reminder of something she is losing or never had a chance to have.
Last Edited: January 26, 2022
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